Complementarians in the Black Experience

It’s not often that one is faced with the reality of prejudices, assumptions, and stereotypes while also thinking they are in a “safe place.” But that is precisely what I experienced. A few years ago while speaking at a conference, one of my fellow speakers began to share an experience she, as a white female, had at a predominantly Black pastors conference. She charismatically expressed her disbelief that the women were so “aggressive” and “ran over the men.” She then proceeded to attempt to imitate them by bobbing her head back and forth and snapping her fingers (you know what I’m talking about—the three snaps). I expressed my concerns with her assessments and moved along. But then another incident happened recently. A male friend shared that he felt that most African-American households were matriarchal and, in short, the “women wore the pants.”

I imagine anyone reading these accounts might gasp in disbelief thinking, Do people really say these things out loud? They do. Yes. But what’s perhaps even more disconcerting than the public conversations I had is that these are some of the private thoughts and assumptions of my brothers and sisters. And these stereotypes can be perpetuated by an unhelpful application of scripture, namely the misapplication of complementarianism.

If complementarianism is defined solely by outward behavior and by certain societal standards for “a godly family model,” then many of us would be disqualified—including my mother. I grew up in a two-parent home and, though I wouldn’t say it was a Christian home, it was filled with love and laughter. My father owned a shoe-shine stand and took his role as husband, father, and leader seriously. My mother worked full-time and eventually, as an adult, finished college. We were a typical lower-to-middle class family. But to provide, my father needed the assistance of his wife. So she worked. This is the case for many families of all nationalities and ethnicities.

Single-Parent Families

But some evaluating the African-American community might draw the conclusion that our sub-culture trends toward matriarchy. I’ve heard this stereotype many times in the past. The stereotype comes mainly from the large number of single mothers. In 2011, the Census Bureau’s American Community Survey reported a staggering 68 percent of black women who gave birth at the time of the survey reported as single parents. This is alarming. To put those numbers in perspective, ACS calculated 595,983 total births and 403,820 of them were from single mothers.

In such cases, the burden of providing, leading, and caring for the family often falls singularly on single mothers. The question in the African-American community would be why? Why are so many women raising children alone? Many would argue that it is due simply to sin. Some might argue the men (and women!) in this particular survey, for example, lack self-control and broken families result. For many individual cases and situations, sin and brokenness are surely involved. But the key word is “individual.” This is not true for all single households within the African American community.

We must not assume that because a woman is a single mother she is (1) not able to glorify the Lord with her life or (2) she prefers her circumstance. We must not assume a marital status statistic gives us infallible information about her situation. To assume that the father in all cases is lazy, incompetent, and living in sin would be an error as well. For the single mother, matriarchy is inevitable but glorifying God in her life is not impossible—God makes a way through Jesus just as He does with all people, married or unmarried.

Complementarianism in an African-American Key

But what about the two-parent family? There remains a stereotype that in many African American homes the mom wears the pants—so to speak. As I mentioned, I had a loving mother and father who worked hard to provide for their family. My mother was indeed the helper fit for my father (). Where he lacked she was there to provide encouragement and assistance. She was his ally in every way. A specific way that she helped my father was through work. The Bible does not discourage women from working. On the contrary, we are to be working in many aspects, including the home (). The question is, where does the burden to lead and provide fall? That would be to the man, and it was the case for my father.

If we believe the Bible is useful for teaching and equipping and that the gospel is available to all tribes and tongues and nations, then we must not narrow our application to societal norms but rather look to the Word as our guide. Nor should we presume to know a woman’s heart based on some personality traits. A charismatic and “loud” woman may indeed have a “gentle and quiet spirit”. Simply put: it’s just wrong, judgmental and seeping with prejudice to judge people based on such externals. When I read the Bible, I am assured that complementarianism isn’t and shouldn’t be defined by a 1950s American social construct. Rather it should be defined by the infallible Word of God.

In the Beginning

We don’t have to dive into the deep theological end of the pool in order to affirm complementarianism at its basic level for all people. God did indeed create male and female in his image. As equal image bearers we were created to reflect the Lord, our God, each and every one of us. This is before the fall of man and isn’t exclusive to the regenerate. He gives male and female dominion over the earth—equally. And then God does something beautiful; he introduces marriage. Adam was given a helper fit for him.

If we stop there, we know that every person regardless of culture or ethnicity can apply this basic truth of Scripture. Male and females were created equal yet distinct from the beginning. We know that these differences, as well as many others, are not only good, but God glorifying. God has created us all for a unique purpose for the good of others and for his glory. Specifically, the woman was created as a helper. This is not an unequal role, simply a different one.

There isn’t anything within the text that infers a certain culture or sub-culture, except that this relationship was designed before the fall and was therefore a perfect design. The creation of marriage and gender roles occurs before there was culture and sub-culture. Instead of human civilization shaping and influencing this truth, God does. The problem we see today, which begins one chapter after this creation, is that sin entered the world and distorted the beautiful design. What was once perfect and harmonious would now contend with sinful hearts, intentions, and motives. The problem has never been the roles, but the heart. But God sent his Son to pay for what we could never pay for. “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” ().

Why is this important? Because when we strip away our ideals of practical godliness and simply look to the text, we see that God is most after our hearts. He is working to redeem a people for himself. isn’t about a woman being busy at home but a woman who has been transformed so that her heart is filled with self-control and ultimately love for others (her children, her home, her husband; ). And what does Peter focus on? His emphasis is not on the external but on the internal—a gentle and quiet spirit and a woman who fears the Lord (: 1-6). And, of course, the oft-quoted woman and her list of virtues doesn’t end on what she does but who she adores. She was a woman who feared the Lord (31:30).

Complementarity for Our Day

So, what does that mean for us today? When evaluating, for example, a mother who works outside the home, we don’t need to ask, “Is she involved in sinful behavior?” God instructs women to work in the home but he does not limit that work to the home alone. That woman may be operating in the exact manner for which God created her as well as providing the greatest help to her spouse. Her work does not equate to matriarchy. When a woman displays strength, we don’t need to assume that she’s running over men. A strong woman, like my mother, shouldn’t be a threat to our theology. But even more, she should not be judged and stereotyped. So the real question is, “Does she glorify God and is her heart transformed by the gospel?” For we know that whether we eat or drink, whatever we do, ought to be done for the glory of the Lord ().

The problem for the single mother isn’t that she is working; it’s that she bears a burden never intended for her to bear—and never to bear alone. We know that God is sovereign and we affirm his goodness in all things. But he never says that all circumstances are perfect. The perfection of this world vanished with the fall. For the mom who has been abandoned, for the widow or for any woman who must be the provider, leader, caregiver, and disciplinarian, this is not what God intended. But because God is awesome, gracious, and kind, he has provided a way for the single mother and the working mother and the stay-at-home mother and the African American woman and the white woman to find ultimate peace through Jesus. We all need a Savior, we need to be transformed and we can be assured that he will finish the good work he began (). If we believe the Word to be true, then we must also believe there is great hope for the African American community and the single-family households and for the divisive, prejudice in all of us, for there is hope for all.


20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. (ESV)

to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. (ESV)

10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. (ESV)

2:1 But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us. Slaves are to be submissive to their own masters in everything; they are to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, 10 not pilfering, but showing all good faith, so that in everything they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior.

11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, 13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.

15 Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you. (ESV)

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. (ESV)

3:1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. 10 For

“Whoever desires to love life
and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from speaking deceit;
11 let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer.
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

13 Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? 14 But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, 15 but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, 16 having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame. 17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.

18 For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit, 19 in which he went and proclaimed to the spirits in prison, 20 because they formerly did not obey, when God’s patience waited in the days of Noah, while the ark was being prepared, in which a few, that is, eight persons, were brought safely through water. 21 Baptism, which corresponds to this, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, 22 who has gone into heaven and is at the right hand of God, with angels, authorities, and powers having been subjected to him. (ESV)

31:1 The words of King Lemuel. An oracle that his mother taught him:

What are you doing, my son? What are you doing, son of my womb?
What are you doing, son of my vows?
Do not give your strength to women,
your ways to those who destroy kings.
It is not for kings, O Lemuel,
it is not for kings to drink wine,
or for rulers to take strong drink,
lest they drink and forget what has been decreed
and pervert the rights of all the afflicted.
Give strong drink to the one who is perishing,
and wine to those in bitter distress;
let them drink and forget their poverty
and remember their misery no more.
Open your mouth for the mute,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Open your mouth, judge righteously,
defend the rights of the poor and needy.

10  An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates. (ESV)

31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (ESV)

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (ESV)

Trillia Newbell
Trillia Newbell is the author of Fear and Faith: Finding the Peace Your Heart Craves (2015) and United: Captured by God's Vision for Diversity (2014). Her writings on issues of faith, family, and diversity have been published in the Knoxville News-Sentinel, Desiring God, Christianity Today, Relevant Magazine, The Gospel Coalition, and more. She is currently Director of Community Outreach for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission for the Southern Baptist Convention. For fun, she enjoys cycling, spending time with her family, and listening to a variety of music. Trillia is married to her best friend, Thern, they reside with their two children near Nashville, TN. You can find her at trillianewbell.com and follow her on twitter at @trillianewbell.

C’mon Up!

  • Tim Wilcoxson

    Hey Trillia,

    I found myself Amen-ing when you were hitting on points related to a woman working outside the home, but you lost me on “A charismatic and ‘loud’ woman may indeed have a ‘gentle and quiet spirit'”. I am not sure how that would work. In Paul uses the same word mentioned in your 1 Peter quotation, for “quiet” (or tranquility) in the context of a woman not teaching or exercising authority in the congregation. The ESV opts to translate it as “quiet” since the context seems like verbal self-assertion in the worship context is not fitting with what God has called a woman too. It seems like, at the very least, the way these texts look like played out is not being notably loud and self-assertive. If people notice a woman for her loudness and self-assertion in worship, then they are exactly violating these passages. Even with a degree of cultural perception varying and accounted for, the quietness spoken of in the text should shape our subcultures not the other way around.

    Perhaps I should back up and ask you what you think “quiet” looks like for a woman in the worship context as I think I probably don’t know your perspective yet.

    Loved your post and am very thankful for you. The Lord be with you.

    • Thabiti Anyabwile

      Hi Tim,

      Thanks for joining us on The Porch! And thanks for a great question. I’ll let Trillia answer the question at length, if she likes. But I think you might be passing her as you focus on the worship setting particularly. I think Trillia might have been referencing a kind of personality that, culturally at least, isn’t seen as particularly problematic though it’s often stereotyped that way. By most measures my sister would be regarded as a “loud” personality, but she wonderfully honors her husband and to my knowledge she’s never been disruptive or inappropriate in a worship setting. She has no desire to “lead” in either the church or the home, but in constitution she’s a big personality some might call “loud.”

      Just my two cents on your good question.

      • Tim Wilcoxson

        My understanding of the quietness passages is that visible tranquility
        in speech and manner means, at least, less loudness in personality. I am
        not sure I’ve seen examples of loud personalities as not self-assertive
        or attention grabbing, which I thinks both the worship context (1 TIm)
        and marital context (1 Peter) gets at and points to a broader way of
        life. So I think the worship passage is relevant, especially with the charismatic church reference. I know that how subcultures self-perceive makes a difference in
        the discussion, but how does quietness of spirit translate practically
        into the way one carries themselves in everything? Honoring ones
        husband and not being disruptive our aspects of this that I don’t see as
        excluding a loud personality necessarily, so no real disagreement on
        that per se, but it just seems to me that quietness of spirit impacts
        one’s whole personality. I see this being the same for men and
        gentleness, it should leaven the whole lump of their personality. I
        don’t think a harsh and abrasive personality is a legitimate option for
        Christian men (for example), with a few qualifications probably necessary: responding
        to false teachers and false worship, and even then I see it as
        modifying our responses in significant ways.

        To narrow my question: how does quietness of spirit impact loudness of personality, or is it really limited to not being disruptive in church or dishonoring to your husband?

        Thank you for the response Thabiti!

        • Laura

          Tim, I think a person with a gentle and quiet spirit is a person who is kind and considerate of others’ feelings, and who does not cause drama for their own amusement or to get attention. I’ve known such people who had loud voices but they were kind as the day is long, and they assumed the best of everyone and wanted everyone to get along.

        • Trillia

          This is interesting. I do not believe that the Scriptures equate certain personality traits with sin. It seems that, from what I’ve read and learned, God deals with the heart. So, a woman may be joyfully loud, expressive, charismatic, outgoing, extravert, etc. etc. and yet still have a quiet trust in the Lord. I’m unable to comment further due to time, but I just wanted to share that perspective and hope it is helpful. Thanks!

          • Tim Wilcoxson

            Thanks for the response Trillia. Not to press for more response, I just want to clarify I am not thinking of inherent personality traits as in neutral qualities that are pre-fall. An abrasive personality for example is something we cultivate and choose and is not morally neutral. But from your explanation you qualify loudness with joy, quiet trust, etc. I think we’re on the same page. Thanks. Appreciate you!

          • Trillia

            You bet! Thanks for reading!

    • Trillia

      Hi, Tim! Thanks for joining us! Thabiti has nailed what I was focusing on. Thank you!

  • Trey

    Sista Trillia, thankyou.

    This helped a brutha this morning: “That woman may be operating in the exact manner for which God created her as well as providing the greatest help to her spouse.”

    Right now my wife is doing just that as we’re having to deal with a forced career change for me. Will be starting school in a month, but good Lord this word was on time. Few things (in my opinion) can make a man feel less than a man than when he’s unable to provide for his household and is unable to find work that will allow him to do so. All the while having to deal with his wife working and shouldering all of the financial burden of the house.

    Keep writing sista. You’re helping bruthas like me.

    • Trillia

      Praise the Lord! Thankful this encouraged your faith.

  • Laura

    Trillia, you start with this:

    “’It’s not often that one is faced with the reality of prejudices, assumptions, and stereotypes while also thinking they are in a “safe place.”

    It’s been my unhappy experience that it’s precisely when I think I am with like-minded people, who at least respect me if they don’t actively like me, that being blind-sided with prejudices, assumptions, and stereotypes hurts worst. I’ve learned not to let my guard down around more than just a tiny group of people in my life. Part of that, of course, is to accept the fact that I can’t expect other people not ever to be sinners (being one myself). Part is to realize that I have hurt others without ever meaning to, so I can’t assume that someone else would never hurt my feelings accidentally. But it still hurts. You should be able to attend a conference for predominantly black Christian folks without being confronted with this.

    • Trillia

      Amen, Laura! Isn’t the gospel amazing. It reveals my desperate need for a Savior and then God provides one. I am thankful to say that I do not harbor bitterness toward the gal who did this. I’ve had many experiences similar to the examples I shared and I’m learning (though failing) to love. And I pray that greater awareness will help the next person discern what they are about to say and more importantly, what’s in their heart. God can do that! -Trill.

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  • Ronnie Ebanks

    I loved every inch of this, thanks for writing it!

  • Dcljoy

    one of the problems of strict Complementarian doctrine is the passage in Genesis where God makes the woman as a ‘helper’ for Adam …. what is rarely, if ever, mentioned that the word Ezer …. is most often used for God Himself in the O.T. …. so it is hard to imagine this being a subservient ‘role’ …. (I am starting to dislike the word ‘role’ – too often used to beat women over the head with!)

    really appreciated what you wrote re single mums …. bless you!

  • Erica

    How encouraging it is to engage in these discussions as we look to the experience of the culture. I must say at the onset that I have no seminary training. By God’s grace, I have been under very sound biblical, expositional teaching for the last 15 years or so and it has been under this when the ‘lights came on’ so to speak. Before that time, my husband and I attended a fairly typical African-American church and my upbringing was rooted in catholicism. I had very little knowledge of the scriptures, so my life and marriage mirrored the culture. I had a career in which I passionately pursued, my husband had his. We were like two runners in a race and on so many levels had competing interests.

    I remember the day when I heard a woman teach from the book of Titus on the radio when things began to finally turn around for us. I was a lead teacher at a public school, exhausted from the demands of that job, disconnected from my husband and miserable. On the outside we had achieved what the culture trained us to believe was the goal. Financial independence, status, positions of leadership… Yet we were broken and did not have marital harmony. God began a new work in our lives. I realized that in marriage, there is a work the Lord has for the family yielded to Him. Though we had no children, I knew that our family, small as it was worked independently of each other. That began to change as I began to be taught from the scriptures about what God had to say about my role as a woman.

    I had to admit that I had a disdain for the home. I had no desire to be a ‘keeper of the home’ or a ‘worker at home’ . That wasn’t a black or white woman issue but a sin issue I needed to wrestle with the Lord over.

    Fast forward 15 years, my husband is in seminary, we have 5 children who we home educate, and I am on my husband’s team. When I left my career, I had to face the fact that I trusted in the works of my hands, I needed to depend on the Lord and my husband in a new way. It has been an exciting, eye opening few years. I am frankly shocked at how much the word of God applies not only to my life but also my children. They are just as hungry for God’s word as I am. I might have missed that if I was still busy trying to be my own security and meet my own needs.

    Many of our African-American friends and family think we are going backwards. I can only point to the great faithfulness of our God. I have seen Him provide ALL we have needed, I have repented of my own idol worship, I have witnessed my children overcome sin, my husband is pursuing truth in order to equip the body of Christ…What more could I ask for?

    I am sorry for this long rant.. You really stirred my heart! God bless this ministry and all He is doing in our lives!!

    • Thabiti Anyabwile

      Thanks for leaving that good testimony, sis! Reading this really blessed me this morning! The Lord’s richest blessings to you and your family.

    • Tony Carter

      Amen! No apologies needed. Thanks for sharing the grace and truth of God in your life.

    • Trillia

      Thanks for sharing! So glad for how the Lord revealed idolatry and the joy He has now given you. God is good!

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